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26 Jan 2006 07:39 PM
This song is not about a premature burial or being buried alive. It is about being dead in a coffin but being aware of being dead and buried and trapped in the coffin.
It is my attempt to try to express something that i'm not sure can be expressed: a very bad episode of derealization that i had a few years ago. It was most intense for about five days and then began to decrease and now it's sort of dormant. But it's never completely gone, it is always kind of looming there, and i am so afraid it will come back. I couldn't take going through that again. When i was in the midst of it i couldn't explain to anyone what was going on. There was no way. A terrible feeling, all i can say is that it's an isolating feeling, like i am not in the world but i see it right there, right there, and can't get in. And it's very physical as well as psychological. It's the most scary thing i have ever experienced, a nightmare that i couldn't wake up from. Even now, i often feel like my own body is a coffin, and i just want to be free.
However, this is not the experience itself but a song and so blah blah blah blah blah blah............
The song is meant to sound slightly dissonant. I experimented a lot with my voice, it is really different and strange sounding here.
It bothers me because i think i sound like i'm imitating Kate Bush (a heroine of mine) but i wasn't actually imitating her, what i was doing was trying to sound corpse-like. But she is a great influence on me, so it makes sense. And i'm also sorta stoked that i hear her in my voice now.
The notes hit the worst place in my throat, too, that yawny area, but i didn't feel like i could change the key too much as the high parts would be pushed higher and i can't sing as high anymore.
I wrote the music for this a way-long time ago, and the words i put together this month. I never was sure what it was about until recently. Part of the melody sounds so familiar to me that i am almost afraid it's another song, but maybe that is because i wrote it so long ago.
Notes on the lyrics:
"My love"
Not necessarily a lover, but could be. All those i love, or any one of them. Life, even.
"I'm longing for the world that i love"
Mourning for the world's beauty that i am not part of.
"I can't forget, i can't let go"
Because i am aware, if i weren't i would be better off.
"Feel it soften"
Need softness, ease, i am like metal that hurts, i want soft comfort.
"to feel the earth," "birth of Spring"
Want to really feel these things, really be part of them, it hurts not being able.
"Of ascent"
Not "a scent." I want to ascend and be free in the sky.
"I ache for your skin"
Not sexual. I want to feel your warmth. I want to be with you. I want to be part of you and part of life. I ache to have my own living skin.
"I need to breathe"
From one of the days in the peak of the derealization, when i tried, literally, to shake it out of myself. If someone had seen me, i don't know what they'd have thought. But it occurred to me that i might be able to scream and shake it out of my body, so i ran about, shaking my whole body and screaming. It didn't work.
"rest"
If i can't be free, let me not be aware at all, let me rest in peace.
The music was written a long time ago, in the late eighties. I had different ideas but was never sure what it was really about.
I am trying to express something that can never be expressed.
(This is from 26 Jan 2006 07:39 PM)
This song is not about a premature burial or being buried alive. It is about being dead in a coffin but being aware of being dead and buried and trapped in the coffin.
It is my attempt to try to express something that i'm not sure can be expressed: a very bad episode of derealization that i had a few years ago. It was most intense for about five days and then began to decrease and now it's sort of dormant. But it's never completely gone, it is always kind of looming there, and i am so afraid it will come back. I couldn't take going through that again. When i was in the midst of it i couldn't explain to anyone what was going on. There was no way. A terrible feeling, all i can say is that it's an isolating feeling, like i am not in the world but i see it right there, right there, and can't get in. And it's very physical as well as psychological. It's the most scary thing i have ever experienced, a nightmare that i couldn't wake up from. Even now, i often feel like my own body is a coffin, and i just want to be free.
However, this is not the experience itself but a song and so blah blah blah blah blah blah............
The song is meant to sound slightly dissonant. I experimented a lot with my voice, it is really different and strange sounding here.
It bothers me because i think i sound like i'm imitating Kate Bush (a heroine of mine) but i wasn't actually imitating her, what i was doing was trying to sound corpse-like. But she is a great influence on me, so it makes sense. And i'm also sorta stoked that i hear her in my voice now.
The notes hit the worst place in my throat, too, that yawny area, but i didn't feel like i could change the key too much as the high parts would be pushed higher and i can't sing as high anymore.
I wrote the music for this a way-long time ago, and the words i put together this month. I never was sure what it was about until recently. Part of the melody sounds so familiar to me that i am almost afraid it's another song, but maybe that is because i wrote it so long ago.
Notes on the lyrics:
"My love"
Not necessarily a lover, but could be. All those i love, or any one of them. Life, even.
"I'm longing for the world that i love"
Mourning for the world's beauty that i am not part of.
"I can't forget, i can't let go"
Because i am aware, if i weren't i would be better off.
"Feel it soften"
Need softness, ease, i am like metal that hurts, i want soft comfort.
"to feel the earth," "birth of Spring"
Want to really feel these things, really be part of them, it hurts not being able.
"Of ascent"
Not "a scent." I want to ascend and be free in the sky.
"I ache for your skin"
Not sexual. I want to feel your warmth. I want to be with you. I want to be part of you and part of life. I ache to have my own living skin.
"I need to breathe"
From one of the days in the peak of the derealization, when i tried, literally, to shake it out of myself. If someone had seen me, i don't know what they'd have thought. But it occurred to me that i might be able to scream and shake it out of my body, so i ran about, shaking my whole body and screaming. It didn't work.
"rest"
If i can't be free, let me not be aware at all, let me rest in peace.
The music was written a long time ago, in the late eighties. I had different ideas but was never sure what it was really about.
I am trying to express something that can never be expressed.
(This is from 26 Jan 2006 07:39 PM)
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Lyrics
Don't go
No, no, my love
I hear you above
Don't go
Don't know how long since I died
Or how I can know I'm shut inside
But I hear you above
And I'm longing
For the world that I love
For belonging
I can't forget
I can't let go
Let me return
Don't go
Oh, to see the birth of Spring
Feel it soften
Or even to feel the earth
Just outside my coffin
I dream of the sky
Of ascent
And I ache for your skin
And I'm helpless within
This torment
I need to breathe
I need to be free
Of this body
I cannot scream
Can only dream
Even the dreams smother
I can't break through
Can't reach you
Or any other
I can't forget
I can't let go
Let me return
Don't go
No, no, my love
I hear you above
Don't go
To all strangers passing by
Here lies a ghost that cannot fly
So sing her a lullaby
That she may rest.
No, no, my love
I hear you above
Don't go
Don't know how long since I died
Or how I can know I'm shut inside
But I hear you above
And I'm longing
For the world that I love
For belonging
I can't forget
I can't let go
Let me return
Don't go
Oh, to see the birth of Spring
Feel it soften
Or even to feel the earth
Just outside my coffin
I dream of the sky
Of ascent
And I ache for your skin
And I'm helpless within
This torment
I need to breathe
I need to be free
Of this body
I cannot scream
Can only dream
Even the dreams smother
I can't break through
Can't reach you
Or any other
I can't forget
I can't let go
Let me return
Don't go
No, no, my love
I hear you above
Don't go
To all strangers passing by
Here lies a ghost that cannot fly
So sing her a lullaby
That she may rest.
drakonis
I can feel it in your music and voice to some extent, although the eerie description helps a lot in setting the stage here. Really pretty music, well played and written, simple and rich and satisfying. The cello(?) sounded a little synthy, but the other instruments were great. The singing does need to come up a little more, it is still a little too muffled to make out the words clearly. I love your soft dark penetrating music. Perhaps you would enjoy my latest, Dancylvania?
ttfn,
Drakonis